[Featurama] Top 5 Missed Opportunities: Wrestlers and Rock Stars Edition

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michael-jacksons-moonwalker Celebrities holding starring roles used to be a dime a dozen (though one could argue that they’re now only 50 Cents). Just think back to the days of real bangers like Marc Ecko’s Getting Up or that True Crime game where you could play as Snoop Dogg. You know, the “Golden Age of Gaming.” Even though we still get quality products like Vin Diesel: Wheelman, we’ve had several great missed opportunities, as well. Haven’t noticed them? Allow me to show you.DOA5-boxDioA5 - Taking all the fighting and hot ladies that you go to the Dead or Alive franchise for and adding one new fighter into the mix: Ronnie James Dio. Utilizing his entire discography as a soundtrack, you’d be able to beat up any and everyone to ”Holy Diver” or even “Rainbow in the Dark” if you really wanted to. Why not?

 

SW_Wii_hero Shawn Michaels Snowboarding - Chances are, if you were playing Shaun White Snowboarding, you weren’t playing it for Shaun White. In its latest incarnation, you’ll be able to give mountains a taste of your Sweet Chin Music. The major appeal of the game was to carve down the mountain with your friends simultaneously. That hasn’t changed. Well, except for the fact that everyone is now Shawn Michaels. Why? HBKause.

 

binary-domain-walkthrough-cover Binary Cobain - Taking all of the character-driven robot drama that was Binary Domain, but adding in all of the pleasantries of playing as Kurt Cobain. Removing the silly voice-recognition of the original game and replacing it with non-sequitur clips of Kurt’s screaming vocals, it adds the angst that the original sorely lacked. Robot Kurt lives on.

 

Hitman__AbsolutionBret Hitman Hart: Absolution - The original did more than enough to step away from its roots with all sorts of new mechanics. This re-imagining only adds one, The Sharpshooter. Now the objective is to run at your targets as fast as possible and get them to tap out due to your submission hold prowess. Oh, and they explode when you do, because why not?

 

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Lollipop Hacksaw Jim Duggan - You want to play this. You know it. Playing as everyone’s favorite blonde bombshell, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, you’ll have to proceed through San Romero High School, well, hacking away at a merciless zombie horde. In a cheerleader outfit, of course. Of course. Build enough meter and your hacksaw will transform into your trusty best friend, the 2×4, you’ll become invincible chanting, “U-S-A! U-S-A!” at your opponents. How did this not happen?

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Tyler Humphrey is a bearded fan of all things video game, Tarantino films, comic books, and professional wrestling. Follow him on Twitter (@AlmostApollo) to keep up with his nonsense and misadventures.

  • http://twitter.com/mroahrig Maxwell Roahrig

    This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever read, and I love it so much.

  • MikeEaton

    You’ve inspired me to create a WHAM! RPG.

  • Tommy

    That was the most laughs I got today. Well done Sir.