What’s that you say? Heroes Week finished yesterday? I don’t care. I’M GOING ROGUE AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME! Anyways, back to business. We’ve been covering every aspect of heroes all week except for the one I consider most important: their ability to come together as a team to accomplish the impossible. Everyone from the Avengers to the crew of the Normandy, all are as unstoppable as they are because they work together to get the job done. So I asked our wonderful staff to put together their own individual teams from every hero in gaming for a task they chose. Here are the teams the crazy people I work with decided to put together.
Muaz left this “Do Something” scenario very open. So I’ll describe my team of three video game heroes that will make me dinner. Gathering the ingredients will have to be Cooking Mama, because she clearly knows what the recipe entails. However, she wouldn’t be the one making the actual dish, that would be too obvious. Too logical. No, no, The Prince from Prince of Persia would be the one actually cooking. He has the ability to turn back time for any error. Let’s say the entire dish ends up tasting terrible, simply go back and try again. He burnt the chicken; it’s rewind time! He’ll eventually get it perfectly done and with no actual wasting of the ingredients. The final part of my trio will be Nathan Drake from Uncharted. He’s serving the food. With his shirt off. Dat ass.
The year is 2021 and a horde of intergalactic killer robots are hurtling toward the earth. Just go with it; you know it’s bound to happen anyways. Without a moment to lose, only 3 heroes can get the job done and officially deprogram the cold robot menace. In order to eliminate this threat, there will have to be people kicking ass from the inside out. The hacker program from Rez would likely be the best for the job of entering the robot hive mind and destroying them from the inside out. Its ability to lock on to a variety of targets at once would also make it a very valuable asset in the protection of Earth.
Of course, we also need someone to pummel the other enemies into submission. This is where Bayonetta comes in, because you always need a deadly, scantily clad vixen on your team (Well, not always, but it’s more fun that way). Her ability to summon extra-dimensional monsters at will with her hair makes her especially useful in the destruction of multiple opponents at once. Able to slow down time and jump terrifying heights, Bayonetta would likely get the job done simply leaping from robot to robot with ease. Plus, with guns in both hands and on both legs, she’s got four times the firepower, delivering four times the ass-kicking.
Naturally, we need one more hero who can think like the enemy. Alisa Bosconovitch from Tekken is the perfect little Russian-Japanese killing machine to successfully dispatch enemies by the dozens, all while being cute as hell. Equipped with a jetpack, rocket arms, exploding head bombs, and chainsaw arms, this deceptively dangerous beauty was built to kill. Bam. The horde of evil killer robots is defeated, before anyone even lands on the ground. All that’s left to do is clean up the debris and junk raining down onto the planet, but someone can just pay Kirby minimum wage to swallow it all up.
To challenge myself, I decided I’d create a trio of all-female video game heroes. Kind of like the Powerpuff Girls but with more guns, or Charlie’s Angels but with fewer boobs. So, if I was tasked with building a team of 3 kickass ladies, here’s who I’d pick and why. In no particular order:
Faith from Mirror’s Edge
Every super-team needs someone who is light on her feet, fast enough to outrun enemies or scout ahead and return with intel. Faith’s speed, parkour abilities, and finesse at taking down guards with martial arts makes her the perfect Dex-based character.
Lara Croft from Tomb Raider
I was worried that this would sound like a cop-out, as she’s one of the most well-known female characters in games. But when it comes right down to it, no one is better at dual-wielding pistols than Ms. Croft. Her recently relaunched appearance (read: she no longer looks like a pixelated Barbie doll with laughably huge breasts) makes her only more endearing. And her prowess with firearms and enduring the unthinkable makes her the tank every team needs.
Amaterasu from Okami
Okay, I know, I know: Amaterasu is a dog, and this was (probably) supposed to be human(oid) characters. Still, I’d kill to have the Mother of Gods on my team. Her brush techniques, an ancient form of magic known only to the Japanese gods, would come in handy basically all the time. From elemental powers (fire, wind, etc.) to being able to control time, Amaterasu is a valuable (and adorable) addition to the team.
Don’t judge me but Detective Barbie was one of my favorite pre-console games as a kid. Finding clues, chasing perps, interrogating suspects; putting all those features in a game won over the tiny heart of child-me. I’ve always found myself drawn to detective stories and detective characters. This has held true as I grew up and remains true today. So while I don’t have a crazy specific mission to accomplish here, I’d like to creative my ultimate detective team whit the goal of solving crazy mysteries.
The Detective Prince Naoto Shirogane is the first member of my crime solving trio. Naoto was easily my favorite character of Persona 4. Naoto was a famous detective before the events of Persona 4 and was called in by the police to help solve the mysterious murders plaguing Inaba. Naoto’s intellect and powers of deduction make her an important part of my detective team.
The second member of the team isn’t really a detective, but does manage to still solve mysteries left and right. The legacy of Phoenix Wright spans a few Ace Attorney games and has him appearing in Marvel vs Capcom 3. With his lighthearted yet stubbornly dedicated personality, Phoenix Wright is a solid counterbalance to the otherwise serious demeanor of the team.
My third and final member is as far from Naoto and Phoenix as I could possibly get. Detective Cole Phelps takes up that final spot, bringing my roster to a close. Phelps is the protagonist of LA Noire and the detective that solved a handful of cases, including the Black Dahlia killer. Phelps’ skill with interrogations and note taking would prove an asset to any crime solving team. His skill in examining physical evidence by rotating it is unmatched as well, making him the perfect closer to my detective team.
As this being the end of Heroes week, I haven’t had a lot of time to sit down and play games with likable or even remotely relatable protagonists (New Dante, stop saying things you think are witty out loud). The first three video game heroes that immediately come to mind are Ninten (Mother), Solid Snake, and Richter Belmont a la the Castlevania series. Besides me going to their worlds and doing boring everyday things like developing PSI powers, slaying Dracula, or covertly uncovering government secrets and putting an end to the nuclear Metal Gears, I would want what I have always dreamt of: awesome video game characters coming to my world and making it amazing.
It’d be great to have Richter come along with me to work and reach things that I cannot, or get home to find Ninten taking a bat to everything I love, but it’s okay because it’s probably possessed. Making nachos and going through a heist movie marathon with the three of them is my ultimate fantasy. I would also have people to finally jam with and they would take the currency from playing on the streets to their respective worlds to be the richest people there. Well, maybe not the richest, but they’d definitely have money for a snack. The four of us could go to an arcade and Snake could covertly take tokens from bad parents so we could play Time Crisis forever. Then after a long night of games, movies, laughs, and fight clubs, we would retire to a ramen shop and talk about how adulthood is the worst and how we have to get to bed because we have work in the morning. Except for Ninten, that bitch doesn’t even go to school.
It took me a while to figure out who I’d want to be on my team. It took me even longer to figure out what I’d put them together to do. There were so many permutations and combinations that I got a bit dizzy. Then I just decided to have them do everything. Simplifying it down from anything to everything helped narrow down the list of heroes too. Brains, brawn, skill, personality; all of these traits were weighed and quantified and I finally came up with a team that could do literally everything.
Thor from Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 would obviously be my 1st round draft pick and star of the team. He’s so insanely overpowered that no obstacle could stand in his way. Need a planet moved? Thor’s got your back. Next up on the list would be Altair from the original Assassin’s Creed. His skillset is the exact opposite of Thor’s and yet they compliment each other so well. A master of working quietly from in the shadows, he would use the distraction of Thor’s rampage and get the job done. Plus, who would be better at jumping off things into hay piles? The final member of my team would be Fox McCloud from the Starfox series. Every team worth a damn HAS to have a getaway driver. Thor and Altair would jump out do their thing then Fox would scoop them up and jet away before the paparazzi could get all up in our business. Damn paparazzi…
So tell us, who would you pick to be on your team and what would you have them do? Let us know in the comments!