[Featurama] Twinfinite Staff Finishes XCOM
If you’ve been following my playthrough of XCOM: Enemy Unknown, you’ll know that I drafted my Twinfinite coworkers to fight the alien menace. So far, we’ve done a pretty good job of handling anything they’ve thrown at us with minimal casualties. The losses we did have, for the most part, were unavoidable and were the fault of the soldiers refusing to follow orders and generally being useless buffoons. Hit the jump for the final few missions and what happens to us after we save the world.
Operation Purple Spark:
-Brett: Snipes Berserker. “Accidentally” blows up Yami’s cover. Headshots Muton.
-Yami: Shoots at Muton but misses and destroys the wall behind it. Channels her inner Rob Riggle and kills two Mutons with shots to the face. Gets hit and goes into frenzy, screaming “IN THE FACE”. Curbstomps last Muton.
-Keith: Gets hit running to cover. Wounds Muton. Wants to fire a rocket but doesn’t get the green light. Stomps back to the ship and sulks for the rest of the week.
-Trey: Snipes two Mutons. “Accidentally” blows up Yami’s cover.
-Mike: Pays Trey and Brett to sabotage Yami. Kills Muton. Runs over to Yami to heal her and seem like a hero…
-Chris: Kills Muton but gets a papercut. Runs to cover to “administer medical attention”. Sees Keith get hit and crawls over to heal him.
Operation Defiant Gift:
-For this mission, Cpl. Yamilia decides to implement a new tactic called “Thug Life”. The main component of this tactic is getting off the Skyranger and shooting at everything until you run out of bullets then blowing everything up. The poor aliens never knew what hit them. Squad injury rate: 100%. “Thug life” deemed too dangerous to use again. Internal Affairs has suspicions that the tactic was intended to kill off Cpl. Eaton but no proof could be found.
Operation Banished Hymn:
*Crash site mission*
-Matt: Suppressed. Uses rocket launcher to kill Heavy Floater with 1 hit point. Refuses to admit to overkill. Pistol whips Sectoid Commander to death.
-Tim: Kills Muton. Doesn’t fully get into cover and is shot and killed.
-Mike: Wounds Muton. Gets punched in the throat by Berserker but survives. Tases and captures Berserker. Wounds two Heavy Floaters. Heals himself. Throws smoke grenade to give himself cover.
-Brett: Wounds and kills Muton. Pulls out his pistol and shoots Berserker in the groin. Wounds Heavy Floater. Headshots Sectoid Commander.
-Thunder 1 and 2: Waste my time, money, and effort. Both blow up 2 minutes into the mission. Goddamned waste of time…
*Temple Ship assault*
*Cpl. Brett McLeod chosen to undergo Gallop Chamber procedure to begin assault on Temple Ship. He is given top of the line Psy armor and decides to spray paint a magenta bikini on it…*
-Mike: Mind-controlled as soon as he steps off the Skyranger. Saved by Brett. Wounds Chryssalid but is hit when he can’t kill it. Suppresses a Muton. Mind-controlled AGAIN when he starts thinking about hockey and maple syrup instead of focusing. Opens fire on Keith and kills him.
-Brett: Snipes Sectoid Commander and saves Mike from its’ control. Uses his fancy new magenta bikini armor and Psy powers to kill 2 Sectoids, Cyberdisk, 2 Chryssalids, a Thin Man, Berserker, 3 Mutons, a Sectopod…and a partridge in a pear tree. Mind-controls a Muton Elite to use it as a meat shield for Josh. Gives it an aneurysm when it starts to break free from his control. Wounds Uber Ethereal to try to save Mike from its’ control.
-Yami: Goes Terminator and kills almost everything. (Cyberdisk, 2 Drones, 2 Floaters, Thin Man, Berserker, and critically wounds Sectopod)
-Keith: Kills a Chryssalid and Floater. Takes damage but refuses medical attention. Suppresses Muton. Tries to reason with Mike instead of shooting at him and gets killed.
-Chris: Motivates everybody by singing Destiny’s Child lyrics at the top of his lungs. Kills Heavy Floater, Thin Man, Sectopod, and Muton Elite. Rushes over to Keith and resurrects him like he’s some sort of Jesus.
-Josh: Tries to prove he should have gotten the bikini armor by one-upping Brett. Kills a bunch of things. Lines up a super long headshot and kills Uber Ethereal. Tries to force Brett to fellate him but is pulled away when Temple Ship starts to explode. Crotch chops the whole way back to the Skyranger.
*Brett forces the squad to escape while he remains in the ship and sacrifices himself to save the world. Josh complains that now he’ll never get his blowjob. Cue freeze-frame high five and 80s hair band music*
Where are they now?:
-Mike: Wracked with guilt over killing Keith, Mike resigns from XCOM and flees to the Canadian wilderness. Last report has him officiating grizzly bear weddings and starting a moose fight club.
-Yami: Gets kicked out of XCOM for kidnapping Beyonce and forcing her to perform all of her songs for days straight. Goes to Hollywood and spends her days breaking into celebrities’ houses and rubbing her face on all their clothes.
-Josh: Stays with XCOM and asks to be reassigned to the Hologlobe room. Spends his nights in booze-fueled rages screaming about Brett having to suck it. He is watched closely by superiors.
-Chris: Starts to believe he is Jesus. Moves into a small house in Arizona and spends his days talking to his 13 cats.
-Keith: Stays with XCOM for many years. Never moves up career-wise and is a middle manager for 30 years before retiring and moving to Florida where he opens a car dealership.